Born in a Riot

We had our eleventh support group meeting today, and four of us came together. It was a warm and caring conversation that moved through family relationships, childhood experiences, trauma, medication, vulnerability, fear, and the deeper question of how we carry the painful parts of ourselves that we have spent so much of our lives trying to escape. one of the member began by sharing how their week had been. They had been deeply involved in work, and at the same time, had a difficult encounter with their brother. When he became angry and shouted at them, they found themself shouting back. Usually, in such moments, they would shut down, disconnect, or dissociate. This time, something felt different. they stayed present. they expressed their anger. they asked to be respected. It was exhausting, but it also felt like a moment of change. Sometimes healing is not only about becoming calmer. Sometimes it is also about finding the strength to respond, to take up space, and to recognise that our feelings matter. As we reflected on this, another member shared that when someone shouts at her, her usual response is to withdraw and disappear emotionally. It made me think about how many of us have learned to survive by becoming invisible. We learn to stay quiet, avoid conflict, and protect ourselves by disconnecting from our own emotions. The conversation then moved towards childhood and the experiences that shape us long before we understand them.

One member spoke about growing up with the fear of violence and instability. They shared how their father had been trapped during the Babri Masjid demolition, and how the fear surrounding those events entered their childhood. Their mother would often tell them that if they did not study well or succeed in life, they could become vulnerable in a world where violence could suddenly erupt. That fear stayed with them. Achievement became a way of creating safety in an unsafe world. Becoming a topper, performing well, and constantly striving became ways of protecting themselves from uncertainty and danger. Years later, they found themselves drawn towards protests and places of social struggle. They photographed the farmer protests, Shaheen Bagh, and other moments of collective unrest. There was something familiar about being present in those spaces—witnessing conflict, observing people coming together, and holding a camera towards moments of pain and resistance. While listening, a powerful image emerged for me. What if the experience of schizophrenia sometimes feels like being born in a riot? Not necessarily a physical riot, but an emotional and psychological one. A world filled with noise, fear, uncertainty, and overwhelming experiences. A place where there are many people around, but nobody is truly holding you. You learn to survive among chaos. You learn to observe, adapt, and protect yourself. Yet somewhere inside remains a deep longing for someone to say: "You are safe. I am here with you." This image stayed with me because it captured something deeply human about the experience of many people living with schizophrenia—not only the symptoms themselves, but the loneliness of having to navigate overwhelming inner experiences without enough emotional support.

Another member shared about leaving home when she was young and entering an extremely demanding environment in Marine. During that time, she experienced frightening sensations and hallucinations and became increasingly isolated. She described keeping people away because she feared that if others saw her struggles, they would decide she was unwell and take away her freedom. There was a deep fear of being seen. The fear that vulnerability would lead to losing dignity. The fear that needing help would mean losing control. We also spoke about the ways we create protective worlds around ourselves. One member shared how she has created a small, safe space where she can protect herself from experiences that feel overwhelming. She described how sensitive she is to the world around her and how important it is for her to preserve her inner stability. I found myself thinking that sometimes the walls we create are not signs of weakness. Sometimes they are the places we built because we had nowhere else to feel safe.

Another member spoke about her fears regarding the future. What happens when parents grow older? What happens when the people we depend upon are no longer there? Who will care for us if we struggle again? These questions are deeply important for many people living with schizophrenia. We have spaces for many kinds of care, but there are still very few places where people can live with dignity, freedom, and genuine human connection. This is where the idea of a crisis buddy programme becomes meaningful. Perhaps one day, we can create spaces where people do not have to face their most difficult moments alone. Spaces where someone can stay with another person, be cared for, have food, companionship, and safety, without immediately entering a system that may feel frightening or isolating.

As the meeting came to an end, I returned again to the image of the riot. Maybe many of us have spent our lives trying to escape the chaos inside us. Maybe we have tried to throw away our pain, our anger, our fear, and our vulnerability because they felt too overwhelming. But perhaps healing is not about throwing these parts away. Perhaps it is about learning to sit with them. To understand them. To integrate them. To discover that even the parts of ourselves that feel broken may carry some wisdom about what we have survived. I feel the being born in riot is the most authentic inner experience of schizophrenic. I left the meeting feeling a deep sense of belonging. Before the meeting, I felt anxious about how it would unfold. But I am slowly learning to trust this process—to trust the uncertainty, to trust the people who come together, and to trust that something meaningful can emerge when we create space for one another. Perhaps this is what community offers. A place where we no longer have to survive the riot alone. A place where we can finally come home.

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