The Words I Couldn't Say Before

Hey there,

It’s been a while since I’ve reached out… so I hope you can find some way to understand what I can piece together in this messy experience.

I felt like I was a burden to you and the rest of the world. I knew I was getting progressively more and more mentally sick. I wanted to ask you for help, but I couldn’t find the words… nor the courage to admit I needed help.

Instead, I sought out spiritual guidance from a “psychic/fortune teller”. She said she could help, and at this point I was dwindling down who I could get help from. I isolated myself from family, friends, medical providers, and even you. We were once so close, and I know this put a strain on our relationship. (That was the exact opposite of my intentions.)

Back to the fortune teller… She said she could get rid of the evil spirits that were haunting me. I believed her. I didn’t have much of a grasp of reality, and certainty from anyone seemed extremely reassuring.

The first step was to light a candle every night. One for each night, each candle I lit was a different color and aligned with the chakras. I was also instructed to shut out all possible influences so she could “meditate” and keep a spiritual connection with me. She called it a “content detox”, and little did I know, but it was going to change my life trajectory forever.

During the content detox, I was convinced that her magical powers were working. I truly believed I was getting spiritual guidance from the other side because of the fortune teller.

Some of the “intuitive messages” were helpful, some of it was cruel, and some of it was just downright confusing…

Messages about having a bedtime, eating regularly, drinking water, and focusing on work and college were helpful. Messages about every wrongdoing in my life, constant screams of self-hatred, and feeling the alleged shame and guilt from loved ones were rather cruel.

On the other hand, messages about covering my mirrors with blankets and fear of physically opening doors because they would let in more evil spirits from the spiritual realm… were, let’s just say… confusing to say the least.

I know now I wasn't communicating with the fortune teller telepathically. I know now that I wasn’t getting divine messages from the spiritual world. I know now that they were all hallucinations going haywire.

And on top of all of this, I was trying my best to function full-time at work and school…

I’m not asking you to make sense of this for me, but I am trying to paint a picture of how chaotic things were to paint a more accurate picture of what was happening in my mind… and what I believed to be reality.

Since then, I have found coping strategies and purpose for my time here on earth.

During my most symptomatic times, that purpose was originally my dog named Peanut. Peanut was a 60 lb pitbull boxer and played a crucial role in keeping me alive and well. His big, happy bobble head was a little out of proportion to his lean body, and he was an absolute pleasure to have in my life.

Unfortunately, he has passed on to doggy heaven.

This is my way of not providing an excuse, but an explanation for why I disappeared. You didn’t deserve that. I caused strain on our relationship, and I hope you can find some way to accept my apology for my absence.

I am doing much better now and have been symptom-free for over five years.

I truly believe that my life’s mission is to share the message that recovery is possible. I wish more people understood that.

Recovery is possible, but first you have to believe it.

Thank you for the role you have played in my life. All of your love and support have not gone unnoticed.